Friendships

A college friend recently wrote to me about her mother and her long time friend. At age 96 her mother and friend still exchange real letters and personal visits when they can. Sharing memories, laughing together - and frankly, like me and many of my friends, sometimes forgetting together.

Her email made me think about friendship - and the wonderful ones I’ve enjoyed over the years. Dave and I have moved so many times, each time trying to build connections, get involved in communities, make a small difference...and find friends. It was always sad to move and leave these special people behind - but I comfort myself by thinking that at least now I have friends spread all over the country! Even if I don’t see these people every day, every week or even every year - I hope they know who they are.

Recently I read Lots of Candles, Plenty of Cake by Anna Quindlen....and one chapter was about the importance of friendships for women. Reading it immediately made me think of my friends.

To quote Anna, "The older we get, the more we understand that the women who know and love us - and love us despite what they know about us - are the joists that hold up the house of our existence. Everything depends on them.....(As we age)....Perhaps only when we've made our peace with our own selves can we really be the kind of friends who listen, advise, but don't judge, or not too harshly. My friends are now more cheerleaders than critics. ...a kind of freely chosen family, connected by ties of affinity instead of ties of blood." and she goes on to quote Henry James saying "Three things in human life are important: the first to be kind, the second is to be kind, and the third is to be kind." 

She goes on to say, "My kids learned long ago to like a feather bed atop the mattress, and that's how I think of friendship. Even if your life is comfortable, it's great to have some extra cushioning."

And ".....friends are what we women have in addition to, or in lieu of, therapists. And when we reach a certain age, they may be who is left......in the end we wind up with the friends who really stick.....One of the most important parts of tending our friendships is working our way, over time, into the kind of friendships that can support cataclysm, friendships that are able to move from the office or playground to hospital rooms and funerals. ......we know how important the bonds of love are, how they make a net so we don't hit the ground when we fall from the wire. ....On the one side are the difficult and demanding events to come, the losses, the illnesses, the deaths. You can see them out on the horizon like a great wave, its whitecaps approaching. But on the other hand is a levee that protects us, that of the women we can call anytime, day or night, to say, 'I'm drowning here.'" 

So.....just wanted you to know dear friends in my heart - I think of you when I read something like this. We may not always agree on everything, we may only see each other only infrequently.....but I will always be thankful that you are part of my life - part of my "safety net". You are out there - and you do know who you are.