Missing........

While we lived in New Castle, Delaware she was one of my best-est friends. We met at church and quickly moved from acquaintance to friend. We'd meet almost every morning for our talk/walks along the Delaware River. We met her husband and the guys became good friends too. We'd share meals together as couples. We traveled together.....she and her husband joined us on our first trip to London and Paris. They were the experts....having been to both places many times and happily showed us the ropes.

We laughed together, we cried together, we shared good books and movies. We had a tradition we called "Cheap Dates" where we took times planning excursions to see how much we could do for how little. The best involved a car trip. We toured a power plant for free, ate a picnic lunch, got free hot potato chips right from the assembly line at the tour of a Pennsylvania potato chip factory.....and drove home to New Castle. The only cost was the gas for the car. It became a monthly "contest" to see who could come up with the most fun ideas.

She was so bright....a Cornell grad. Her career involved teaching and computers. She was the consumate hostess and great cook. Her table was often set for friends and gatherings at their house were always fun. She had a great laugh....and so did her husband. They still do.

But things began to change after Dave and I moved away. We tried to stay in touch and did take a great trip to Belize to snorkel in 2002. They came to stay with us for a few days in Milwaukee and we celebrated a wonderful New Year's Eve. Whenever they came to the Chicago area to visit their son and his family we would try to get together. But the last few years conversation became more difficult....and one-sided. She was as friendly and smiling as ever.....but almost silent. She responded to comments....but did not seem to initiate the four-way talk.

The last time I called her must have been about six months ago.....a warm conversation except for the fact that every few minutes she'd ask "Who is this again?" I could hear the smile in her voice....but also the puzzled tone. I knew.

Yesterday Dave had a nice long talk with her husband.....I heard Dave's side as he described what we've been up to. I could tell that my friend's husband was still teaching classes at Wilmington's OSHER program and they were planning on a couple weeks in Mexico to flee winter this year. But when Dave asked if my friend was still active in the community I could tell that the conversation had taken a sadder turn.....for the first time her husband confirmed that she no longer knew who anyone was. She was still going for walks with him everyday and attending classes to sit with him and doing a little traveling.....but her memories were gone.

It hurts. Knowing just what an amazing woman she "was" it's hard to think that so much of what made her special is "gone"......and if I walked in their front door she would greet me with a smile but wouldn't know who I was.

We lost our close friendship because Dave and I moved away.....but I still "had" her as a friend. I don't anymore. That's hard for me.....but so much harder for her family.

Dementia in any form is such a thief......it steals your past and robs you of your future. And it hurts all the people who love you. Shit.