Those Empty Eyes.....

I met her when we moved to Old New Castle, Delaware in 1990. Dave and I joined the Presbyterian Church because we liked the minister and that's where I met my soon-to-be-best-friend. She and I volunteered to help on some committee and right away she was welcoming and engaging and I thought to myself "I really like her!" Happily she seemed to feel the same and soon we were taking long walks along the Delaware River and developing a friendship.

You need to understand just how smart she was, educated at Cornell, she was into computers (and teaching college level classes) while many of us were still using Commodore 64s and Ask Jeeves was our search engine! She was a reader and a traveler and a community activist. Everything she did, she did well.

And happily, one of the best parts, our husbands ended up really being best of friends as well. The four of us shared so many meals while we lived there, we traveled together on our first trip to Europe in 2006 (they knew the ropes in London and Paris!) We chartered sailboats in the Virgin Islands and Belize. We had a fun "tradition" of cheap dates.....we would take turns planning outings where we would see who could spend the least money. (One of the most successful was a drive to see eagles migrating, tour a big dam at the north end of Chesapeake Bay and a stop at a potato chip factory, all free, and a picnic lunch.)

When we moved away I really missed spending so much time with her.....telephone conversations and a few scattered visits had to suffice. Until that was no longer an option.

This best friend is now in the end stages of dementia....and she no longer can communicate or knows who anyone is. She is still at home and her wonderful husband is her primary caregiver..... an amazing and loving man. I now stay in touch by sending cards and notes to let them know they are both in my thoughts and my heart.

Yesterday I got a quick text from her husband thanking me for the notes and a picture of my friend sitting in her wheelchair. I have been in tears ever since..... her eyes were just blank. Just empty.

So I am remembering Phoebe.... my laughing, conversational, smart, funny best friend. I'll try to think of her as she was when we shared so many lovely times together. When her smile was wide and her eyes sparkled......

There is just so much about this diagnosis that is so unfair, so hard, so complex. I can't begin to imagine how difficult this is for her family when it's this "hard" for me. I wish I could get that last picture out of my head.....I don't want to think of my dear Phoebe with empty eyes.