Trying to Compartmentalize....

I'm trying to divide my thoughts into "sections" in my brain. Trying to live in the moment and not worry too much about tomorrow. Trying to enjoy each day for what it is....another new day.

A dear friend reminded me of this process.....and it's how she gets through her days. Frankly, she is dying. She's had almost two good years since her diagnosis. Time at home, time traveling with her husband, time visiting her kids and grandkids, time in her garden, time to attend her art class, time for movies, time to work on her watercolor paintings, time to walk her dogs to the mailbox almost every morning, time to spend with friends, time to laugh. Time to watch sunrises and sunsets, to sit by the pool in the summer, to listen to the frogs in the pond, to watch the birds that gather at her birdfeeder on the deck. Time. She's had time.

After her last visit to the oncologist it became apparent that her time is getting shorter. Another round of chemo starts after Christmas....and she says "we'll see if that can help". But we all know that her window is closing and this won't go on too much longer.

I love her. I wish she lived a bit closer so I could see her more often. But she knows that my thoughts fly south to Indiana every day. Many times, every day. She knows.

And I am trying to follow her wonderful lead. She is so very positive, and her smiles come right through the line when we talk on the phone. She's been so determined to enjoy every good day, and tolerate every bad day....and then put it behind her and find more good days. She told me the best way she and her husband handle all this is to just sort of ponder the news for a few days, figure out what has to be done.....do it, and then put it aside. Her cancer does not seem to dampen her bright outlook on life. She simply won't allow it to intrude and ruin a good day. I am eternally grateful for the example she is setting. I'm not sure I could be as positive as she has been over the past few years......maybe, maybe not.

So I'm trying to compartmentalize, but today the tear ducts won't cooperate. After talking to her this morning I figure I can take a day or two to "ponder" all this shit and then try to put it behind me and enjoy our connection for what it is. The oldest friendship I have......she knows me the best of anyone left on the planet, and we share many of the same memories. So asI think about her, as I try to follow her example.....my heartstrings are stretching and wrapping her in an everyday hug.

She feels it.....I know she does.