"The elephant in the room"....a phrase that indicates there is something happening that no one wants to acknowledge. Ignoring the elephant might make it disappear....except that doesn't work. And the longer "it" sits there, the bigger "it" gets.
How do you handle it when someone you care about, a very best friend, a loved one......goes to the doctor and comes home with a terminal diagnosis. (And isn't that an odd image in itself.....coming home with a terminal diagnosis. As if you're bringing something home that you want to bring home.) In a matter of hours the world is rocking on its axis.....at least for one circle of friends, or one family....and it will never again be the same.
I worked for two hospices during my career. One small hospice in Maryland and one here in Wisconsin with patients in any of eight southeastern counties. Here our census would run anywhere from about 260 to 300 patients on any given day. That's a lot of people facing the end of life....a lot of family and friends dealing with a coming loss and the hole it will leave behind.
Families and friends deal with this knowledge of approaching death in a variety of ways. Some circle close....others back away. I happened to be with some of my family and friends over the weekend. Someone made a quick statement, "She's dying....there's nothing to talk about." And that quick and conversation-ending comment is what brought the elephant to mind.
When I worked for hospice it was my job to train the volunteers who would go out and visit with patients, support their loved ones, do a load of laundry, walk a dog, hold a hand. I always told them during training..."You are the safe person in the equation." The volunteers had no history with the patient or their families....and sometimes, often, they were the ones that the patient could really talk to. Patient's would say "I can't talk to my mother/wife/son/best friend/sister because I don't want to upset them." But they could talk to the volunteer.....and the volunteer would listen without judgement. Yes, there might still be tears.....but there was compassion and understanding and a knowledge that without someone to listen each patient can feel so very isolated. They have no one with whom to share their fears/hopes/memories/tears/sadness.
Personally I do feel there are always things to talk about.....if the person facing death wants to talk. They may not talk about a cure....but they may talk about how they want to be remembered, share their life stories and shed tears about dreams unfulfilled. But if they want someone to listen, how sad if everyone they love gets too upset and just leaves the room.....just imagine how they shut down, how they hold it all in, how they stop trying to share with their loved ones because it's just too upsetting and since there is no cure, "what's the point"?
I love someone who is dying.....not today....but in the not-too-distant-future. And it's really, really hard to contemplate this loss. But I do....and we talk on the phone when she wants to. I hope she knows I'm one of her "safe" people. I will weep....so will she....but we talk. She can say whatever she wants to say......or not. That elephant is in the room when we are together....and I can sense it listening on the line when we have a phone conversation. But that's OK too.....in the room I grab the trunk with one hand and my loved one's hand with my other. We form a "circle".
We don't ignore that damn elephant.....but we don't give it all the power either. It's just in the room.....huge, silent, there.
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