And So We Say Goodbye.....

A trip to Indiana....a gathering of the family....hugs and a few tears. Memories shared and a well-planned tribute to someone we all loved so very much.

My cousin was a special woman and the friends and family who stood at her memorial service to share a story were a testament to that fact. Common threads wove their way through the shared memories.....her kindness, her goodness, her enthusiasm for life, her love.....and wine.

As a teacher for many years she touched young lives and helped to shape them in the most positive of ways. As a mother she raised strong, independent and loving children. As a wife she shared her life with a man who truly loved her.....and they absolutely enjoyed being together. Their life was a testament to what a good marriage looks like. Love, laughter, patience, not-too-much-irritation, more laughter, a sense of adventure, hugs, conversations and time shared together.

She was the best of grandmothers and relished every moment spent with the grandkids.....I know she created memories for all of them. She was a sister, an in-law, an aunt.....and a very special, special cousin.

Everyone gathered at her memorial service has a hole left in their hearts, an ache that will last for a long time.....but it will heal. The good memories will provide comfort....and for me, I will shed as many tears as I need to, but also smile when I "hear" her laughter and think of the words "Cousin Linnea!" spoken with a smile.

Over the past year my cousin and I had a lot of very interesting conversations.....about life, family, the beauty around us, spirituality, end-of-life concerns. We shared a few experiences where each of us felt a "touch" or a special "connection" to a loved one now gone.

So when we arrived at the farm on Saturday I got out of the car at the end of the driveway and let Dave proceed on up to the house. I took my box of Kleenex and walked "our" walk.....down to the crumbling cemetary at the end of the road and back. It's a quiet walk through the woods. One we had done together, with our dogs, many times. I cried as I walked and remembered our conversations. I watched for some kind of "sign". I was open to it....and hoped for it. We loved these walks....the chance to see some little bit of nature as the seasons changed. And the science teacher part of my cousin meant that she could point out all kinds of plants and insects that quietly lived in the woods. But there was no special sign from her to me.....so I walked slowly up to the farmhouse to join the family.

Later in the afternoon some family members were sitting around the fire pit overlooking the swimming pool and the pasture sloping down toward the Ohio River. Talking quietly, sharing stories, laughing.....patting each other on the back. This was one of my cousin's very favorite spots....especially when sharing it with family and friends.

Suddenly there was a butterfly flitting overhead.....bobbing and weaving around the group. Several people noticed it. But I'm not sure that anyone else realized the butterfly swooped down and settled, just for a moment, on the cold ash in the fire pit....and then flew away.

It caught my attention for sure. It wasn't a black swallowtail, it was a little smaller and a dark color. Some internet research gave me the answer.....the butterfly that came for a quick visit was a mourning cloak.

So I had my sign.....a quick, nature-centered touch from one heart to another. It helped.

Missing Blueberries.....

Nine times out of ten I have a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I love a bowl of Trader Joe's cranberry maple nut granola. And I slice up about a third of a banana, add some dried cranberries and finish with a handfull of blueberries on top.

But alas.....the stores are now not offering blueberries. Out of season I guess. I can find strawberries and blackberries....but it's just not the same.

I miss my blueberries....even when the cost went through the roof I would buy them.

Sigh.....not sure when they come back to the store shelves, but I am watching.....and waiting.

Anxiously.

How Do You Possibly Communicate.......

I realize Facebook is full of this stuff as we approach the November elections. And I admit that I read/watch some of the posts and I admit they are usually the ones with which I think I will agree.

But this one takes the cake. It's a man-on-the-street interview provided by The Daily Show.....so yes, I'm sure some of this is suspect just because of the source. And I realize that there were others interviewed, with more reasonable reactions and the show picked the most outrageous for the video. But their "reporter" visits a Trump gathering, stops several individuals and asks his questions.  The answers are amazing. The mini-interview that really caught my attention was done with a man in a baseball cap and t-shirt (similar to what Dave wears on an everyday basis but without the logos). So it wasn't the wardrobe that caught my attention.

It was the content of the man's comments....stated with all seriousness. I tried to copy down every word.....but may have missed a few. Basically he states: "Barack Obama had a big part in 911." The reporter asks how? "Not being around. Always on vacation. Never in the office." The reporter inquires, "Why do you think he wasn't in the office on 911?"

And the Trump supporter answers, "That I don't know. I'd like to get to the bottom of that."

End of interview....reporter walks away saying "Wow."

End of discussion. End of reality. How do you respond to that? How can you have an educated conversation or debate in response?

I know that many voters are very troubled by this election and the two major candidates. I get that. But I don't understand how the candidate with years of public service stretching back to her college days can be thrown under the bus by the Trump supporters. OK....don't like her, distrust her, hate her, frustrated by politics as usual...whatever. But how can an educated voter go into the booth and vote for Trump? You've voted Republican for years? Vote the rest of the ticket so that your team can block Presidential efforts for another four years. But please consider over and over before clicking the box next to The Donald's name.

I'd rather have an imperfect one-term-experienced person in the oval office than a hair-trigger-know-it-all who isn't really interested in anyone else's considered or educated opinion because he "knows better than everyone" what's wrong with his country and how to fix it.

Isn't democracy interesting.....this year more than usual.

And Then That Phone Call.....

I opened Facebook this morning and one of my "memories" came up from a year ago.

A black and white photograph of a young woman, sitting curled on a chair with eyes closed. "The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not 'get over' the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself aound the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to."

How timely......because that call I was dreading came this morning. Inevitable and I was "prepared"....but I wasn't ready. Was never going to be ready.

So life goes on, the world doesn't come to a stop. The dog needs a walk, I need to get to the grocery store, I need to stop at the library, we are going to dinner at a friend's house tonight.

But everything I do today and for days to come will involved toting a box of Kleenex along with me.

A sad, sad day for our little family.  

But then a Facebook smile - my dear cousin died on "Elephant Appreciation Day"....and the photos included in that post from someone can do nothing but make you smile. I think she would have laughed about this.

Tears and laughter.....hand in hand. Life.

A Personal Heartbreaking Wait......

The phone call will come....I will see the name on my cell phone's screen, and I won't want to answer. But I will.

Back in March I wrote a blog entry called "A Drip of Hope....". About someone I love very dearly.

Earlier today I got a phone call from her brother. The road called Hope is just about at an end.....and I won't want to answer the next call.

My cousin lived her life to the fullest.....and she is leaving a huge impression on so very many. And a huge hole in a lot of hearts who will mourn her passing. And she's too young....and she has more she wanted to do....more time with grandchildren.....more time with her adult children.....more time with her loving husband. More visits to Colorado to be with family......more laughter, more wine, more good meals, more water colors to paint.....just more.

She is about two years younger than I am. I rage with anger. I ache with grief.

But she would not want that reaction......she would want me, and everyone she loves, to enjoy the day. Smell the roses, watch the birds, walk the dog, go to the movies, read a good book, drink that glass of wine, laugh, be with friends, take a trip, hug someone we love.

She did that. Over the past two and a half years she's lived every day to the fullest. On the good days she did more....on the bad days she did less. But she loved each day she was given.

I won't want to answer that telephone.....but I will.

Something's Missing......

It was a beautiful day for a walk up the bike path. I spotted lots of cabbage butterflies, birds flitting back and forth, a doe with her fawn and even spooked a great blue heron up from the stream. It's huge wings unfolded as it flew right down the path.

A beautiful day to be outside for awhile.....but not as much fun as my normal walk. Mr. Fenway is visiting friends for a few days. They are caring for him while we do a little traveling. And I'm sure he's having a blast....he's "camping" in Iowa this weekend while they are at a dog show. Then he'll spend five days running around their big, fenced-in back yard with their three big dogs. Then next weekend another camping trip to Illinois.

So, in the meantime, I walk alone. And it's not as much fun without him pulling at the end of the leash, christening trees and bushes as we go and sniffing out all the things that interest him along the way.

Sigh.....the walk was good exercise.....but it wasn't as much fun.

Time Passes......

This morning we have a beautiful blue-sky day.

Fifteen years ago we were sailing down Buzzards Bay on another beautiful blue-sky day. The wind was perfect and we set the sails and moved smoothly through the water hour after hour. It was one of the best sailing days we'd had in the first year living aboard Connemara. We were heading toward the East River. We were looking forward to gliding past NYC skyscrapers on our way back to the Chesapeake Bay.

We dropped anchor in a quiet spot about 3:00 in the afternoon and Dave took the dinghy to shore to do a little grocery shopping in South Dartmouth, Massachusetts, while I read my book. An hour later he raced back to the boat and told me to turn on our little television set.

It was only then that we learned what had happened earlier that morning in New York City. We watched in disbelief as the coverage showed two planes dive into the World Trade Center buildings.....and we watched them fall. We watched the coverage over and over and over.

A beautiful blue-sky day......until the black smoke filled the air.  Lookinig out at this beautiful blue-sky day.....and remembering another.